Lost in my Right Brain

Where do we begin? I read several online blogs and newsletters and I got this from a newsletter today and thought OMG this is exactly what I feel..I have been through this and I learned from the exp., my story was very similiar to this and it was the hardest thing I ever did and will NEVER do again unless things are absolutly right...and that may be never lol .....I always have put my man first and its the way it should be..work as a team. I had to post this...enjoy. (barb lol i feel another email comin from you )

I have heard the argument before and I've been in this argument before (usually from biological parents) that if a single parent gets married then the kids need to be first in the parents life. But usually the same people will also say that the best thing for kids is to see their parents putting each other first.

What that logic tells me is this: When a man gets married for the first time he is expected to put his wife first, even after they have children. Then this man and his wife get divorced and suddenly his kids are his first priority. Later the man meets a woman and gets married, he doesn't have to shift his priorities. His new wife is less important than the first was because the husband doesn't have to make this wife his first priority this time around. What's their marriage going to be like once his kids move out? If their marriage is indeed still intact. Statistics show that marriges where the kids are given higher priority than the marriage do not last. Also, I don't see why the second wife is less valuable so that she should have to take second place when the first wife was given first place in this man's priority list. If the new wife is in second place, what happens if they have kids? Are these kids by the second class wife lower on the man's priorities than the children by the first class wife?

It gets so confusing. If the man decided to give his wife first priority he would not be loving his chilren any less, he would be doing them a great favor. He would be giving them a loving home which is made stable by a loving marriage. The children will get to experience seeing a loving marriage first hand. If his wife is in first place she will be more motivated to help him with the children and everyone will be happier. The wife given first priority won't be resentful of her stepkids (if you put her second she will resent her stepkids)  I can tell you from personal experience it does a great disservice to a child and your marriage when you put the kids first.

I have been on both sides, as a child who has been the first priority of her parents and also a stepmom who was not placed as the first priority in her marriage. I can tell you that from both perspectives it sucks and I was miserable both times. Thankfully, now my husband has me and our marriage as the first priority and I am overall a lot happier. Putting me first doesn't mean that he ignores the needs of his child or always chooses what I want over she wants, nor does it mean that she's being neglected. She's very happy when she is with us and she treats me great, probably because she sees her dad treating me so well. She knows that she is loved.

When I got married I felt more like it was them and me. They already had their bond, they had all their routines, they had all their memories, they already had their whole life. It felt more like they were a couple and I was an outsider. I came into the home (and we moved into a new place, nobody was infringing on anybody's "territory") and they totally expected that I would just know what all their routines were and just fit neatly into their little world. Surprise, I had my own ideas, my own ways of doing things, my own routines...and I did not fit into the cookie cutter that they had been expecting. I was made to feel like a bad person because I was different, I was made to feel that my ideas and the way that I do things were not just different, but WRONG.

It all felt so wrong to me. It felt wrong that my HUSBAND's bond was stronger with his daugther than with me, his wife. It felt wrong that I was constantly being made to feel like a bad person for being different. It felt wrong that my husband let his CHILD have more of a say in household matters than I did. It felt wrong that *I*, his wife, was expected to just go along with what the two of them wanted when he never made *her*, his CHILD go along with any plan that he & I had made. If she said no, then we didn't do it. If I said no, I got scolded. It felt wrong because it was wrong. You aren't supposed to give your child everything that they want while treating your wife like a child!

When we marry a man with kids, the natural order of things is already messed up. The natural order is that the husband and wife spend some time together to get to know each other and to bond and forge a strong relationship. Then when the kids come along, the husband and wife are united and both get to start with the same children at the same time and they are able to help and support each other with the children and the children learn to love and respect the husband and wife at the same time and get to bond while they are babies. (Yeah, I know, in a perfect world.) We stepmoms miss out on all that and our marriages are off balance, at least for a little while, because of this because the order has been messed up. We have to work and fight for our bond and relationship with our husbands and we have to work and fight ten times harder for a bond and relationship with our stepkids...if we even want it!

My husband and I both learned a lot about priorities and have learned to put our marriage in the right spot in order to make the whole family work. It has just taken a lot longer than it would have if we were a "normal"  family.

As I laid in bed last nite, I thought about how long I have wanted to write this blog, I'm no expert and these are just my thoughts and I appreciate any kind of feedback from anyone , if u agree or disagree...I had so much on my mind and I got to thinking what do women want  or need out of a relationship with all honesty . Things started to pop in my mind left and right...Now as the saying goes "women are complicated creatures" and men are simple creatures. I do not fully believe that. My friend and I were talking last week and she said "men are happy if you give them food and a blow job everyday" ...I don't believe that is entirely true but it does make sense to me..I think both male and females have different sets of needs that just don't match up at all and without open communication everyone is doomed for failure. Relationships, love, marriage, are so complicated!

Over time I feel like we all have a way of taking each other for granted, falling into predictable routines, this is where the novelty is replaced with predictability. Everything used to be so exciting and later it feels mechanical. This dosn't have to happen. We allow it to happen because its easier to give up the work that a relationship takes.

I think that men need to feel nurtured and appreciated, accepted and trusted. What men don't understand is when a woman is happy he will get what he needs and more. Love can only be understood in action and with action is the giving.  Nothing is worse then a selfish mate (and I've had one in the past) Practicing randon acts of kindness and selfless acts can go so far!

I believe now that we can love another unconditionally other then family or children. When we truly love another without condition we help them feel secure, safe, validated and worthy. It makes it easier for somebody who feels this to cooperate, contribute, and have self discipline...

Love doesnt just die, it stops from neglect, blindness, indifferences and being taken for granted. If you dont water the flower it dies! Once loves starts fading partners seen to give up instead of trying to water it. Some men start out a relationship "courting" or I call it prince charming phase doing all those little things we LOVE! We fall in love and it stops! Women fall for this because we need to feel fulfilled which means feeling loved and appreciated. This is a true need. One or two expressions will not last a lifetime.

We all have pots that need filling...over and over. Doing little things fills our pots. when our pot is full we feel loved which in turn gives the man greater love acceptance, appreciation, and respect. Lots of little things are needed to fill a womans pot.

1. She wants you to tell her you love her, no matter how many times you said it in the past keep saying it...if you neglect to tell her she will start to think you dont after awhile. (you have nothing to loose here)

2. She wants you to touch her! Why do we love to cuddle? I think it nurtures our body and spirit and we need it.

3.She wants to be your priority and wants you to consider her needs.

4. She wants to think that no other woman compares to her ..(humor me here just like does this dress make me look fat) sometimes you have to tell fibs.

5. She wants you to talk nice things about her to your family and friends.

6. She wants you to feel proud of her

7. she wants you to prove your love by doing little actions and surprises

8. she wants you to compliment her! If you think something positive about her she really wants to know.

9. She wants tlc when shes sick, she wants somebody to take care of her without asking

10. She wants a strong man, not to needy but not to independant where she doesnt feel needed at all.

11. she wants romance, court her!

12. she wants you to listen to her and have communication,

I think these are the main wants of MOST women, learning from experience or talking to different women.

A successful way to determine how much we truly care for someone is to take into consideration how high their happiness and welfare are on your priority list. This does not mean we should constantly readjust our lives for sake of our lover. However , we might be able to look within ourselves and judge how much we value our relationship by taking an honest look at our priorities.

Like I said before I am no expert in relationships, I have had several failed ones thses are just my observations of my surroundings of friends, family, myself etc. I can not honestly say what a man wants all jokes aside because Im not a man. I hope this helps better understand your woman, now go give her some love!

 

 

***jen***

and Im back. I missed my blogging and my deep thoughts posts. I moved, living in a 3 bedroom house with just my boys and very content. My new boyfriend Patrick is just as wonderful as can be and he makes me believe in love :) He makes me want to better myself and grounds me and i see big goals ahead in my future, personal goals and professional goals.

Many people find themselves contemplating goals that seem outrageous or unattainable. Some resist the urge to jump, paralyzed by their current circumstances and the life of their dreams. Others make a leap of faith into the unknown, unsure of what they will encounter but certain that they will gain more in their attempts than they would giving up. Yet when you make a leap of faith, believing without a doubt that you will land safely on the other side, you can accomplish almost anything you set out to do.  A successful leap of faith requires your attention,as it will  point you toward your ultimate destination.

ok so enough deep thoughts for the day....

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Some of my new masterpieces.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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thats all I have to say for the day ~~jen nay~~

so today we discovered the lemon tree we planted 6 yrs ago and never did anything now has lemons on it! OMG I couldn't believe it. This is a big deal to me because we can't grow shit in this Las Vegas Desert. I put it outside and it dies. I wish I could garden, I think this is the closest I get to gardening.

 

 

 

I am so drawn to anything with bright colors, this sun is on my wall in my backyard and the flowers below are my annuals and I didn't even notice the little critter on the flower until I uploaded it. My camera has a better eye then I do.

 

 

 

It is sooo hot here. Today it was 113. I can't wait for summer, then the heat hits and I want winter. I just thank god it doesn't snow here. I don't think I could drive on ice, I'd be a wreck.

I got alot accomplished today!! I moved so much stuff into the house, and we got the boat ready for 4th of july...going to the lake. I love love love being off school and having free time, I don't even want to go back lol. (only 3 quarters left)

I'm off to scrapbook :)

 

*jen*

I am doing well, I am off for a week from school, looking hard for another job and enjoying my time to be a blob!! I hope you all had a nice easter, I did not do anything at all, in fact I never even left my house that day.

I was reading an article on commitment..and i loved this so I'm sharing it :)

 

Loving and committing to another person is a spiritual process whether that means a wedding or any other type of commitment ceremony. So often when we enter into a relationship we allow our emotions to lead us forward without thinking more deeply about what true commitment involves. If we can understand that sharing our lives with another person is not just based on love, but also on the hard work of being able to compromise and enter into a dialogue with them, then we are much more likely to find the key to having a successful relationship with our partners. So many people have not experienced a loving relationship between their own parents and therefore have no role model of what love should feel like or look like.

Many of us have been exposed to the idea that love should be romantic and sweep us off our feet. While this is a natural part of any relationship, the true test of our love comes from our willingness to explore this world with another person; to not only share in the delights that we encounter but also to negotiate the bumps in the road together. Generally this often takes the form of a mutual exchange of ideas, but, because any relationship is based on the needs and experiences of two people, we might also face a certain amount of misunderstanding. Learning to be open and receptive to our partners and to treat their wants and ideas with respect can help us to navigate even the most difficult situations. One way to do this is to take a deep breath, holding our partner in a space of love, allowing ourselves to listen fully with our hearts to what they have to say. Should this become difficult to do, we can also turn toward people whose relationships we admire for advice or gu! idance. Knowing that there are resources out there to help us and being up for exploring them with our partner will only serve to deepen and strengthen our relationship.

Entering into a committed relationship is in fact a spiritual journey that we undertake with another person. By being able to love and care for someone else with an open heart, we will find that we can reach a greater level of personal transformation, evolving along our path and learning powerful lessons about ourselves that we might not otherwise be able to do on our own.

 

one of the first days I have not felt any depression..!!!! this past weekend I went to UTAH with theresa, kim, and nancy and we did the parade of homes...It was nice to get away and we stayed at Jeff's house who is an awesome guy! Anyway some of these homes were just breathtaking and right up my alley. I love the adobe architecture and culture(another reason I love new mexico)..most of the homes were like this so I was very pleased. here are pictures of us, the houses and fun....enjoy !

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It's easy to take our feelings for granted and to assume that the people we care about know how we feel about them.  saying "I love you" is a gift we should give to our loved ones whenever we can. Letting people know you love them is an important part of  any kind of loving relationship. Few people tire of being told they are loved, and saying "I love you" can make a world of difference in someone's life.

If you love someone, let them know. Don't be afraid of the strength of your emotions or worry that your loved one won't feel the same way. Besides, the words "I love you" are often best said to another without expectation of a return investment. As each one of us is filled with love, there is never any worry that you'll run out of love if your expression of love isn't said back to you. Saying "I love you" is a gift of the heart sent directly via words to the heart of a recipient. Even though it may not always look that way, love from the heart is an offering that is always unconditional and given without strings attached. That is the true essence of the gift of "I love you.

Try not to take the person in your life for granted, when you feel love say it. It just might change your world.

*jen*